The second issue is sending me an email with a generic subject line. If you subject line looks like this “”Hey”, “Read This”, “How are you?”, I am going to delete it. Did you know spam and virus emails look identical to this?

I suggest when emailing me, you create a subject line that summarizes the email. Instead of “How are you?”, why not try, ” I saw your bio on Cock Control and wanted to say hello.” ? I will know you are not spam.

IM

When I am online, I am receiving your IMs. I can not always answer right away. When I am able to answer, I will. If my status indicates I am busy and you IM me, do you expect me to ignore the task at hand and answer the IM? Would you want that to be done to you? You would want my undivided attention, so be respectful of those who want the same thing.

BUZZES!

Don’t fucking use them! If my status states I am not at my desk, when I return and see a long line of red letters that spell BUZZ, I am not going to be nice about it. I am not a motherfucking doorbell, so don’t, I REPEAT, DON’T FUCKING BUZZ ME! Send an IM and like a normal human with some sense of good manners, wait for a response.

Other emails and IMs

I encourage any of you with questions to contact me. I have been contacted for “other” reasons, which I would encourage you to think about before you attempt this. (These are real emails and IMs I am sharing.) Here is a list:

*Asking for free pictures, panties, bras, locks of hair, etc without even introducing yourself- Score an extra boot to the balls if you ask me to personalize the requested item for you by adding your name to it or autographing it. At least before mistaking me as your personal slave, tell me your name so I can personalize your reality check. My slaves have to earn my attention. What the hell makes you so special that I have to snip my hair and send it to you? You refresh your inbox or sit by your mailbox until your personalized request arrives. Ok?

*Asking if I will donate sessions- Since when is phone sex a charitable contribution?

*Contacting me to tell me you will “contribute” posts to my blog. Yes this has happened several fucking times. Just an FYI, I CAN WRITE MY OWN FUCKING BLOG POSTS! Some of the samples I have been sent are plain pathetic. Learn to read, then offer to write for someone. The mistakes go beyond typos and the ocassional missed word. If the language looks like something from another world in a sci fi television show, I will have to pass on your gracious offer. Of course, these offers are not without strings. Strings and a Mistress. You knew what would happen!

*Complaining about your lack of finding someone to listen to you complain for free- If you want to do a session and have me just listen to you complain, that is up to you. I will be amused to hear this. If you want a free garbage can to dump all your baggage trash into, move the fuck on. The last time I checked, therapists were paid.

*Asking me to do a search for you. Take your ass to a search engine and do it your damn self! I have been contacted to conduct searches for everything from butt plugs to DVD’s to fantasy football. My name is not Google, Simon, or Jeeves, bitch! You need a butler, not a Mistress.

If your correspondence is intended for one of the purposes in the above list of pointless emails or IMs that will piss me off in a hot minute, you better hit the cancel button.